Supporting your partner in labour

This is for you: her husband, her partner, or whoever will be standing beside her that day.

You may have sat in the back row of a prenatal class and started scrolling your phone halfway through. You may be thinking "the doctors and nurses will handle it." Or you may actually be quite scared, and nobody has asked you.

You don't have to become an expert. After reading this, I hope you'll know what you can do on the day.

Your fear is normal

A 2021 integrative review of 13 studies (Moran et al.) found that expectant fathers' biggest fears are, in order, the baby's safety, their partner's safety, and their own reactions — worrying they won't know what to do, or won't cope. Many keep this to themselves: among the men with the most intense fear, 65% said nobody had ever asked how they felt about the birth.

The same review found two things that helped fathers most: someone telling them clearly what was happening, and a concrete, well-defined role that made them feel useful.

A 2019 Cochrane qualitative review describes something similar: partners sometimes become anxious watching a loved one in pain, and feel they aren't part of the care team. In Taiwan, antenatal classes are mostly "mothers' classes" and there is little aimed at fathers, and if the staff speak mainly Mandarin and you don't, feeling like a bystander can be even stronger.

First, ask her: what kind of partner does she want?

People need different things. Some want you beside them the whole time, massaging and talking. Some only want you to hold their hand quietly and do nothing else. Some want you to deal with the medical staff so they can concentrate on labouring.

Don't wait until you're in the delivery room to find out. Set aside an evening before the birth and talk it through:

• When it hurts, do you want me to touch you, or not?
• Which words help? Which do you not want to hear?
• How do you feel about pain relief and an epidural?
• If the doctor suggests something, how do you want me to ask about it?
• After the birth, who do you want to visit, and when?
• What is the one thing you're most worried about?

Her answers may change during labour, and that is normal. The habit of asking her first matters more than remembering any answer.

A map of labour: what you can do at each stage

This is a rough outline. Every labour is different, and your doctor or midwife's judgement comes first.

1. Early labourContractions are regular, but she can still talk and walk

   This is often long. Help her rest, eat and drink. Note how far apart the contractions are and how long they last, and follow the hospital's instructions about when to leave. Your steadiness helps hers.

2. Active labourContractions are stronger and closer; she can no longer talk through them

   Talk less, be present more. Help her change position, press on her lower back, apply warmth. After each contraction, remind her to take a sip of water and drop her shoulders. When you find something that helps, keep repeating it.

3. TransitionThe most intense part; she may say "I can't do this"

   Often that sentence means it is nearly over. You don't need to reason with her. Tell her "you're doing it" and "I'm here." If you had agreed in advance that she might want an epidural, this can be the moment she changes her mind. Respect that.

4. Pushing and birthThe baby is coming down

   Follow the staff's guidance, say her name close to her ear, tell her what you can see. After the birth, if it is possible, help with skin-to-skin contact. Then take a moment to look at the two of them.

5. The first hours afterwardsThe placenta is delivered; mother and baby rest

   Get her water and food, and help with positioning for the first feed. Hold back messages and visitors that arrive too soon, so she can rest first.

The 3 Rs: protect her rhythm

After observing many labouring women, the American doula pioneer Penny Simkin described a simple principle, the 3 Rs: Relaxation, Rhythm, Ritual. People who cope well tend to relax between contractions, find a rhythm during them (swaying, breathing, making sound), and repeat a small action that reassures them, over and over. That is her ritual.

This matters for you: you don't need to correct the rhythm she finds. You only need to protect it. If she wants the same pressure on the same spot with every contraction, and the same words, keep doing it until the end. The worst thing is for someone to "help" and interrupt the rhythm she has just found.

In a Taiwanese hospital: how to speak up

The caesarean rate in Taiwan is around 36–38%, and many procedures are the hospital's standard protocol. In labour she will find it hard to speak, and you can say the wishes she prepared beforehand, in a calm voice. The staff are on the same side as you.

Language. Staff may speak mainly Mandarin, and some are reluctant to use English. It is worth learning a few phrases before the day, and asking before you choose the hospital whether an English-speaking nurse or doctor is on the team. If a doula who speaks Mandarin is with you, she can tell you what is being said and help your questions reach the right person. For important decisions and consent, also ask the hospital itself for an explanation.

When staff suggest a procedure, you can ask calmly:

• What are the benefits?
• What are the possible risks?
• Are there other options?
• What happens if we wait a little?

Then turn back to her. The decision is hers. Your job is to make sure she has understood and has time to think. If it is a real emergency, the staff will say so, and you trust the team and stay beside her.

Hospitals in Taiwan differ in how many people may attend and who may enter the delivery room, so ask well before the due date. My guide Giving birth in Taiwan as a foreigner covers the wider system.

Look after yourself too

Labour can last more than ten hours. If you are hungry, tired and panicking, it is hard to be steady for her.

• Pack your own snacks and water
• A phone charger and an extension cord
• When she rests, close your eyes for ten minutes too
• If you need to step out, tell her first
• If you have a doula, take turns
• If you're frightened, it is fine to say so

Your feelings have a place too. If the images from that day keep replaying and you can't sleep afterwards, talk to someone.

The husbands I have sat with

One scene I often remember: a husband puts his phone down, crouches next to his wife, and rather clumsily wipes her forehead, saying "you're amazing" again and again.

Most of them were nervous beforehand too. The ones who had spent an evening talking with their wife, and read a little, knew better where to put their hands once they were in the room.

If you would like to prepare together, see the birth preparation course in my support plans, or read Why hire a doula? first.

Questions people ask

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